Broadwaybabe's Journals

Chain Reaction, Almost~Car Wrecks, and Insomnia...

so remember that story I told you all aboutâ�¦. :) well, here it is.

Yesterday I got off of work fairly late ( about an hour after I was originally supposed to that is) and had to haul ass down to anaheim ( if you know santa barbara, L.A., traffic, and me, you know thats not a good thing to do- picture going 80-90 down the 101 and I-5, and youâ�™ll pretty much get the idea) by the time I got to chain, at around 6:30 the entire parking lot was packed, so I ran into radio shack and asked if I could use their lot for a few hours, they mercifully agreed ( woo! score:) ps if you ever need electronics you should totally go to the radio shack in anaheim on Eucelid!!) I got my ticket ( will call thank god, otherwise I would have been scalping like two of the kids I met in line, sweet kids, who had walked all the way to chain from fullerton, driving its not so far but walking?!? yeesh! and they didnt even have tickets!!) anyway, the line was insane, not as bad as some of the lines that they get at the majestic but if you know how tiny the chain reaction is, youâ�™ll understand my point.

The bands went on at around 7:30, a guy named Evan Taubenfeld went first, can I just say right now that that boy is AMAZING! he is sweet, funny, talentedâ�¦ and I could go on, and on about him but really you should check him out for yourselves ( www.myspace.com/evantaubenfeld) then came this providence ( I had no IDEA Dan Young was Australian! oh my god my heart kind of did that flippy thing when i heard him speak for the first time:)) they did such a wonderful job, both Dan and Gavin were wonderful, after that, TAI came on ( well, William came on, Sisky and Michael Guy came on for a few sets later in the evening).

All in all the night was amazing, though I had been feeling ill all weekend and came home as soon as the show ended ( no mingling or talking with the bands for me last night, though I did meet Jac Vanekâ�¦. more on that later) the drive home was awfulâ�¦. I was half asleep, the car was swerving like mad, and I was a bit freaked out, going 60 mph and then 80 mph, barely able to keep my eyes openâ�¦. about halfway home, my eyes started to water so horribly that I couldnâ�™t even see anything! ( weâ�™re talking full on tears, like fountains and rivers and oceans of tears just pouring down my face. I have no idea what happened, but they started to get so bad that I had to pull over onto the freeway shoulder and put my emergency lights on, just sitting there for ten minutes basically crying) I got home at around 12:00 am, and didnt fall asleep until 2. Iâ�™m still kicking myself for not staying to talk to the bands,but I promise myself that next time I will, I refuse to be scared of everything for my entire life.

Iâ�™m still entirely too tired, even after getting 3 hours of sleep. I think I may need a little nap later on in the day ( yes, I said nap) and I will never ever drive on the 101 when I am swerving or canâ�™t see again, its just a dumb, dumb, idea.

The AP Tour

I bought a Ticket. Yep! I'm going, woo!
Granted, I'll have to drive to Bakersfield for it, since ALL of the L.A. dates are SOLD OUTTTTTTTT!
So that should be an adventure and a half seeing as how I've only been to Bakersfield ONCE!
But Hey, I live for adventure.
and I laugh in the face of danger.....
muahahahahahahahahaha.

yeah, the whole lion king reference isn't working too well but whatever.

Tomorrow

Is going to be insane.

apparently I've won tickets to see Marcy Playground at the Key Club ( Favorite Venue/Nightclub so far, who knows though that might change soon) and I'm also going to see the Maine, A Rocket to the Moon, The Summer Set, and Runner Runner at the Smartpunk Warehouse. I was debating weather or not to go but pretty much told myself this:

1) amazing bands. free show. and its only about 2 and a half hours away so not toooooooo far.....
2) It'll take your mind off of other things
3) its music. who doesn't like music. besides, you only live once.

so I am going. I am happy and I am mapquesting!!

Wow....

I just applied to be the 2009 Vans Warped Tour Pit Reporter. I'm either going completely insane by putting myself out there so much, or I'm being absolutely kick ass by following my heart, and taking initiative. I'm tired of waiting. It seems like I've been waiting for my entire life for things to happen to me or for me, and when they don't I feel like maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But maybe its not that at all. Maybe, Instead of waiting for what I want to come to me, I have to go after what I want......

wow, revelation!

Darkness

I followed you blindly into the darkness,
I believed every word that fell from your parted lips,
The sweet sound of your voice led me on,
The lies slipped easily from your tongue, and I was not hard to decieve,
An unknowing pawn with a childlike innocence that you felt the need to control,
You told me that I was nothing, worthless and would never amount to anything,
You found my weakness and exposed it for the world to see,
My pain gave you joy, yet I allowed you to stay,
You got inside my head, became my worst enemy and my best friend,
I gave up everything for you, You became my life,
but still you wanted more,
nothing was ever, would ever be enough,
I listened to your words, the honeyed tones disguising their harshness,
I was nothing, now a shadow of my former self, my existance was unimportant,
and so it was that I gave up on life, and allowed the thoughts, the words you said to consume me,
I slowly began to disappear,
I felt weightless, blissful, and clear,
How wonderful to feel nothing! there was no pain, no sadness, no anger,

I had no emotions, and it was all because of you,
You made me this way, and you take pride in the fact,
and even though I have now begun to fight, and have almost broken free of the hold your words had over me,
even though I get stronger every day,
Your voice will always remain in my head,
You will be hidden away,in the dark corners of my mind,
biding your time,
Though I will occasionally hear one of your honey sweet words,

and I will always be reminded of how differently things could have turned out,
had I not decided to pick myself up and just.... Walk away.

What ends up in my blog

Why?

Do these darn things keep popping into my head? I keep singing the stupid thing and now the melody is stuck... grrrr..... well, here is another one.

You're nothing, nothing to me,

You're no one, no one to me,

You had me, You broke me down,

You gave me the run around,

Now you're saying that you want me back?

Well baby whats the use in that?

Tell me, Tell me!,

You want me, need me,

Sorry!, Sorry!,

I'm everything you wish she would be,

Well Baby now you're not getting me,

There's no way that you will ever have me!

Untitled part of a song

donâ�™t even know! the beginnings of a song... I think...

Untitled

You are the only one I think of,

You are the only one I see,

Try to close my eyes at night,

and there you are in front of me,

you are the answer to my dreams.

I try to tell you how I'm feeling,

I try to let you speak your mind,

But you, have sent my poor head reeling,

By telling me that you were leaving me behind.

Liar

New Poem written at 1 a.m.

Liar

How many times did you look me in the eyes,

How many of your words were nothing but lies,

How could you hold me whenever I cried,

And tell me that everything would be alright?,

How could you leave me time and again,

Only to come home and lie about where you had been,

I've shed too many tears,

Been hurt too many times,

Its been 21 years,

and I'm tired of the lies,

I can no longer trust,

and its so hard to believe,

anyone who tries getting too close to me.

I push people away,

I don't know who I am,

I am losing my grip,

And there is nothing to grab,

I am falling too fast,

There's no stopping it, I dont know how,

but the question remains,

willl you be there now?

I wrote this a few months ago, and just figured I'd post it.

Poems from the past

So I was looking for some old pictures, from when I went to hollywood, but couldn't find them, I have no idea where they are but maybe they are at my grandparents house. Though I didn't find them, I did find all of my journals from when I was sick, its surreal looking through them, reading bits of them and feeling and experiencing all of those things again, I have blocked out a lot of it, as well as a lot of my childhood, don't ask me why, I have no idea. so there is a lot I don't remember about most of my life. Anyway as I was reading through them, I realized how much I still felt that way, like the same person who was writing in the journals 2 years ago, like nothing had changed, but my feelings are a lot more subdued now, the things that i felt then are no longer sitting on the surface but buried deeper, still there, lurking, waiting to jump out and make everything horrible all over again, its a scary thought. another thing that I came across were some poems that I had written, I don't know if they're any good, but I am going to post them anyway and just tell me what you think.

Mask

I wear many different masks,

they change from day to day,

but if you took the time to see,

one by one they'd fade away,

a child lost in darkness.

who's always insecure,

caught in a vicious cycle,

her thoughts a racing, chasing blur....

unfinished- maybe i could finish it now?

tangled

I am tangled in a web, which no one can unweave,

my heart and soul are cold as stone, and I do, at times decieve,

I am trapped inside a prison, from which there is no escape,

and in my eyes, lie unshed tears,

my mind alight with racing fears,

I cannot outrun this fate.

untitled haiku like poem

boredom, sadness, anger,

emotions welling up inside me,

a dam waiting to burst,

whoosh, whoosh, whoosh,

I struggle against the neverending barrage of images,

running, spinning, scrambling,

through the deep wells of my mind,

i try to keep them in,

shut tightly away in the recesses of my soul,

I try to hide the fact that i am not alright,

try to run,

try to hide,

with little success,

the messages, thoughts, and emotions tear at my defenseless mind,

day by day,

slowly killing me,

in a way, i long for it,

the time when i can close my eyes,

and hear, see, be, nothing else,

a time when all is silent,

nothing can hurt me,

I will be at peace.

death,

nirvana,

perfection!

VERY DARK! I CANT BELEIVE I WROTE THAT, I WAS VERY VERY UPSET, SAD AND HAD ALMOST ALREADY DIED!

untitled 2

Falling,

out of control,

no way out,

no matter how hard you try,

it just pulls you back in,

gripping you, holding tightly,

you cannot breathe,

you gasp, cling to the disease, push it away,

you try to come up for air, but it is impossible,

you are drowning,

the voices in your head grow louder,

they dominate,

pounding, screaming, beating, fighting,

there is no way out,

until finally....

emptiness

Tied

Trapped inside my mind,

lost in the labrinth of emotions that is my soul,

trying to break free of the ties that bind,

unable to succeed.

afraid of what is, of what may be,

sucked into the hurricanes of time,

unable to see what the future holds for me,

Caught in the past, and unable to reside in the present.

untitled 3

lost inside a place that angels fear to tread,

looking for a face, that doesn't seem so dead,

but everything is so messed up hear inside my head,

my soul is gone, my body sleeps, my heart is filled with dread.

ANOTHER VERY ANGRY, SAD, HOPELESS POEM

untitled 4

a nameless, shapeless, figure,

i wander through my mind,

my finger pulls the trigger,

and, I am free of the ties that bind,

I fly! I soar! I feel no more,

slowly closing eyes, glimpse one last ocean's shore.

UNTITLED 5

look into my eyes, tell me what do you see?

dig deep to find the meaning of life,

please, explain it to me!

a lost and frightened child stands suspended in time,

there is no one that can save her,

from this life she has designed.

Possiblility

is it possible....

to be so afraid of change, that you avoid it at all costs?

to feel so alone, when there are so many people around?

to miss something so much that it hurts, even though you only had it for a fraction of a second, before it slipped through your fingers, and disappeared?

to hold on to memory so tightly, that it just ends up fading away?

to be heartbroken, when you didn't really know him all that well to begin with?

I posted this in my blog about a month ago, and kind of just stumbled across it again. hm.