Learning to Live

so remember that story I told you all about…. :) well, here it is.

Yesterday I got off of work fairly late ( about an hour after I was originally supposed to that is) and had to haul ass down to anaheim ( if you know santa barbara, L.A., traffic, and me, you know thats not a good thing to do- picture going 80-90 down the 101 and I-5, and you’ll pretty much get the idea) by the time I got to chain, at around 6:30 the entire parking lot was packed, so I ran into radio shack and asked if I could use their lot for a few hours, they mercifully agreed ( woo! score:) ps if you ever need electronics you should totally go to the radio shack in anaheim on Eucelid!!) I got my ticket ( will call thank god, otherwise I would have been scalping like two of the kids I met in line, sweet kids, who had walked all the way to chain from fullerton, driving its not so far but walking?!? yeesh! and they didnt even have tickets!!) anyway, the line was insane, not as bad as some of the lines that they get at the majestic but if you know how tiny the chain reaction is, you’ll understand my point.

The bands went on at around 7:30, a guy named Evan Taubenfeld went first, can I just say right now that that boy is AMAZING! he is sweet, funny, talented… and I could go on,  and on about him but really you should check him out for yourselves ( www.myspace.com/evantaubenfeld) then came this providence ( I had no IDEA Dan Young was Australian! oh my god my heart kind of did that flippy thing when i heard him speak for the first time:)) they did such a wonderful job, both Dan and Gavin were wonderful, after that, TAI came on ( well, William came on, Sisky and Michael Guy came on for  a few sets later in the evening).

All in all the night was amazing, though I had been feeling ill all weekend and came home as soon as the show ended ( no mingling or talking with the bands for me last night, though I did meet Jac Vanek…. more on that later) the drive home was awful…. I was half asleep, the car was swerving like mad, and I was a bit freaked out, going 60 mph and then 80 mph, barely able to keep my eyes open…. about halfway home, my eyes started to water so horribly that I couldn’t even see anything! ( we’re talking full on tears, like fountains and rivers and oceans of tears just pouring down my face. I have no idea what happened, but they started to get so bad that I had to pull over onto the freeway shoulder and put my emergency lights on, just sitting there for ten minutes basically crying) I got home at around 12:00 am, and didnt fall asleep until 2. I’m still kicking myself for not staying to talk to the bands,but I promise myself that next time I will, I refuse to be scared of everything for my entire life.

I’m still entirely too tired, even after getting 3 hours of sleep. I think I may need a little nap later on in the day ( yes, I said nap) and I will never ever drive on the 101 when I am swerving or can’t see again, its just a dumb, dumb, idea.

I bought a Ticket. Yep! I'm going, woo!
Granted, I'll have to drive to Bakersfield for it, since ALL of the L.A. dates are SOLD OUTTTTTTTT!
So that should be an adventure and a half seeing as how I've only been to Bakersfield ONCE!
But Hey, I live for adventure.
and I laugh in the face of danger.....
muahahahahahahahahaha.

yeah, the whole lion king reference isn't working too well but whatever.

Is going to be insane.

apparently I've won tickets to see Marcy Playground at the Key Club ( Favorite Venue/Nightclub so far, who knows though that might change soon) and I'm also going to see the Maine, A Rocket to the Moon, The Summer Set, and Runner Runner at the Smartpunk Warehouse. I was debating weather or not to go but pretty much told myself this:

1) amazing bands. free show. and its only about 2 and a half hours away so not toooooooo far.....
2) It'll take your mind off of other things
3) its music. who doesn't like music. besides, you only live once.


so I am going. I am happy and I am mapquesting!!

I just applied to be the 2009 Vans Warped Tour Pit Reporter. I'm either going completely insane by putting myself out there so much, or I'm being absolutely kick ass by following my heart, and taking initiative. I'm tired of waiting. It seems like I've been waiting for my entire life for things to happen to me or for me, and when they don't I feel like maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But maybe its not that at all. Maybe, Instead of waiting for what I want to come to me, I have to go after what I want......

wow, revelation!

Darkness

 and I will always be reminded of how differently things could have turned out,
had I not decided to pick myself up and just.... Walk away.

don’t even know! the beginnings of a song... I think...

Untitled

 You are the only one I think of,

 You are the only one I see,

Try to close my eyes at night,

and there you are in front of me,

you are the answer to my dreams.

I try to tell you how I'm feeling,

 I try to let you speak your mind,

 But you, have sent my poor head reeling,

By telling me that you were leaving me behind.

 

 

 

 

is it possible....

memory

Sometimes I can see her clearly,

the child who smiles brighter than the sun,

and laughs without holding back,

the one who dances without fear,

running barefoot through the grass,

The child who would catch a firefly,

and question how it got its light,

the one who would climb a tree just to see how high up she could go,

or would dare to use a swingset for dangerous acrobatics,



There are times when that child is more than a memory,

times when you can see her shining through,

brilliantly, unexpectedly,

but in a flash she is gone, as quickly as she had appeared,

to be replaced by the young woman who shies away from confrontation,

fears the opinions of others,

and does her best to be perfect.


The one who lost her way,

and who,

like alice, fell down the rabbit hole,

only to land in a warped version of the world,

where being different is looked down upon,

being happy is not a requirement,

and colors are dimmed, faded,

a world of shadows and sadness,

and one that will take time for her to escape.




but she climbs slowly,

stepping carefully as she tries to find her way back up to the world she remembers,

a world in which a persons smile can light up a room,

a laugh can be heard,

a musical melody that can only be described in one way... magical,

a world that allows you to follow your dreams,

without fear of failure,

and doesnt try to pull you down, but instead pushes you foreward.




does such a place even exist,

she wonders as she step gingerly out of the darkness,

it must, she thinks to herself,

because otherwise,

what would be the point?

suddenly a bright light shines down upon her,

she disappears,

and a child can be heard,

laughing in the distance.


useless word vomit that just sort of gushed out at one in the morning. it probably makes no sense but...

 

Feeling helpless, alone,

Lost in a sea of strangers,

Voices carry across the room,

Laughter fills the air,

Yet I feel as though I am the only one there,

Do they feel what I am feeling?

Are they lonely, Afraid,

Do they mask they mask their fear with a smile, or a drink?

Do they see what I am seeing?

Insecurity hiding beneath the surface,

mirror images standing across from eachother,

perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect clothes,

seemingly the same, yet different in every way,

an attempt to fit in, to be needed and adored,

I'm beginning to wonder who we do this for.

 

 

What is forever?

Can it be measured in the number of breaths we take, or the beat of our hearts,

In the words we speak to eachother at night when we are alone together,

could forever be the number of laughs a child unleashes, unaware that the adults around him envy his innocence?

or maybe you can find forever  in  the smiles that light up a room,

or in tears that fall silently down your face as you try to pretend that everything is o.k.?

can we tell how long forever will last by counting the stars in the sky?

 or by watching the sun rise or set over the mountains,

Can forever be measured in hello's or goodbyes?

or by the people who walk in and out of our lives,

can forever be found in a tender kiss, a soft touch, or a warm feeling,

or by sitting silently, watching the waves break upon the sand, as you allow your mind to wander,

thinking about everything, and nothing at all,

could someone please tell me,

What is forever.

Unable to sleep,

My mind is restless,

A million thoughts run through my head,

yet I am unable to focus on just one,

A memory shoots past, a blur, a flash,

An idea comes and goes,

The sun has long since gone down,

and the only sound is that of the whispering wind,

I stare into the darkness,

waiting for something and nothing at all,

My eyes grow heavy,

and finally,

the sound of a long forgotten melody lulls me to sleep,

a blissful state that I know will not last,

but thankfully I do not think of this,

instead,

I allow myself to drift away.

 

I look into your eyes and see the lies that hide beneath,

I look into your eyes and see the depths of your deceit,

Now tell me darlin, were you being truthful when you said that we could be,

So beautiful together if I would only believe?

or were you only playing mind games with a heart thats grown so weak?

 

 

 The Mask

 

Hidden away behind a mask of illusions,

I disguise who  I truly am.

To the world I seem normal,

I laugh at their jokes and smile when needed,

But inside, my heart is breaking, my head is throbbing with the effort of hiding my emotions, of sensoring my words.

You tell me that I am beautiful,

I smile, I nod and murmer a polite thank you,

thats not the truth:

 what if I were to tell you that I hated myself, despised the way that I look,

that each compliment you gave me caused my heart to constrict, my breath to shorten, and my eyesight to blur,

that I told myself everyday for years that I was worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything,

If I were to tell you these things,

would you be able to understand?

would you think me crazy? would you run?

If you could see who I truly was,

the insecurities that plague me, the tears that fall silently down my cheeks, the thoughts that are constantly racing thorough my head,

would you even still be here?

It would be unbearable, another loss,

and so it is that everyday I hide behind a mask of illusions,

I smile, I laugh, and I make you believe that everything is o.k.

alright so whenever I can't sleep ( which is a lot lately) random things just seem to pop into my head, I usually post them on my blog on myspace and its kind of a release for me, theraputic in a way i guess. i'll post the latest one here though its in my blog as well, its not finished, and i have no idea whether or not i will ever finish it but like i said, its theraputic, and its not the best thing in the world but writing is kind of a comfort to me, it has been for a few years now, ever since i was sick, its kind of a security blanket in a way. anyway here is what i wrote.

 

Untitled

 

where do you go,

when theres nowhere left to turn,

What do you say,

when you've said it all and you know you'll never learn,

try to hide it,

try to fight it,

but it just keeps coming back,

these inhibitions, this condition,

its like a heart attack,

 

and you're falling down,

you've lost your way,

you just can't catch a break,

and everything you've ever done,

seems like a big mistake.

Right,

So something is really bugging me right now, namely a guy but there will be more on that later, the thing that is most pressing is the fact that october and november seem to be THE concert months, meaning that almost all of the shows I want to see are on the same day or one right after the other which would be impossible for me, since I do work and go to school, ugh,  so I'm trying to figure out how I can go to as many as possible and trying to figure out which ones I want to see more.  as for the whole guy thing, well, thats a completely different story, and I'll save it for another blog, because trust me, its worth a read:)

to be so afraid of change, that you avoid it at all costs?

to feel so alone, when there are so many people around?

to miss something so much that it hurts, even though you only had it for a fraction of a second, before it slipped through your fingers, and disappeared?

to hold on to memory so tightly, that it just ends up fading away?

to be heartbroken, when you didn't really know him all that well to begin with?